


I Thought You'd Gone Off Me

by hereforthewomen



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Children, F/M, Series Three, a serious discussion with a little fluff to lighten it, and wild roses, discussions of fertility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:00:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29310726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hereforthewomen/pseuds/hereforthewomen
Summary: Mary has been hiding her visits to Dr Rider from Matthew, visiting him in secret even though she feels guilty for keeping it from him. When their paths unexpectedly cross in his waiting room, she has to explain herself, and they have a discussion about their potential children.A ‘missing’ Mary/Matthew scene from series three, episode eight.
Relationships: Mary Crawley/Matthew Crawley
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	I Thought You'd Gone Off Me

Hurrying along the pavement toward Dr Rider’s office, Mary finds herself regretting not coming down with the others the day before, the morning train had been a slow one and had sat for what felt like an eternity outside Doncaster. As a consequence, she’s running late for her appointment. Of course, coming down with the others the night before would have meant explaining why to Matthew, and that isn’t yet something she’s prepared to do. 

She knows he’s been worried about her, the way she’s been keeping him at arm length and deflecting any discussions of children and starting a family. She’s well aware that he’s anxious to get started, that he’s begun to fear there must be something wrong with him, some legacy from his wartime injury. The longer she’s going without assuaging this particular fear, letting him know that it’s actually she who has the problem, the worst she’s felt about it. To begin with, it had started as a desire not to worry him, he’s a dreadful worrier, anxious every time she has so much as a cold. As the business has dragged on, one visit to Harley Street after another, it’s become more about self-preservation. 

She knows only too well how Matthew feels about secrets and dishonestly, he’s honest almost to a fault himself, and expects it of those around him also. Mary hadn’t set out to lie to him, expecting Dr Rider to give her a clean bill of health after her first appointment and for that to be that. However, that hadn’t been the case and as the business has dragged on she’s found herself hiding it from him, hoping that she’ll be able to fix things without him ever having to know. She’s even found herself going to the extent of giving a false name, taking on her mother’s maiden name to ensure that he never finds out. 

She walks up the steps of the imposing building quickly, still deep in thought. She pulls herself out of her reverie just in time, and goes to let the receptionist know that she’s finally arrived.

“Mrs Levinson for Doctor Rider” she says, noticing as ever the difference that a lack of title makes to the way people react to her. 

As the woman goes to enter her arrival into the ledger, she hears a noise on the stairs, and turns to see the last person she’d expected to find here, Matthew. 

Seeing her, he sighs, his face showing puzzlement and his jaw taking on the firm set she recognises as hiding a hint of anger. 

She finds she can’t meet his eyes, and drops them to look down at her shoes, suddenly rather ashamed to be caught in her lie. 

Before she can meet his eyes again he’s in front of her, taking her hands in his. 

“I won’t ask why you’re here now” he says, his voice perfectly even and betraying very little of how he feels regarding his discovery. Then, his tone grows rather firmer as he says “I’ll wait for you, and you can tell me afterwards.” 

Mary can do little other than nod, and accept the kiss he presses to her cheek. He stands there watching as she climbs the stairs, and she can feel his eyes on her back as she goes. 

Throughout the appointment she finds, usually for her, that her mind is racing and she’s unable to focus. All through the awkward ordeal of the examination all she can think to herself is how could she have been so stupid, to keep this from Matthew. She knows this won’t come between them, she doubts anything could at this point, but he’s understandably going to be upset with her. She may claim not to care a fig or rules or what others think of her, but she knows that Matthew’s good opinion is important to her, it matters. 

She’s so consumed by her thoughts that it barely registers when Dr Rider gives her the good news, that all is well and he expects her to be pregnant before too long. It’s only really when she’s heading back down the stairs, to her waiting husband, that she realises what this means, what it’ll mean to Matthew. 

He stands up immediately when she walks into the waiting room, his gaze expectant. He seems to notice how shaken she is by the morning’s events because his gaze is suddenly soft, loving, and he takes her hand in his

“Darling, are you quite alright?” 

She nods, suddenly overwhelmed by the shock of seeing him and the news that Dr Rider has just given her. She feels herself go pale, and sees concern appear on Matthew’s face. 

He takes charge quickly, leading her swiftly from the office, and around the corner to a nearby tea room, acquiring a table and ordering tea for the two of them before she’s really had a chance to regain her composure. They sit in silence for a few moments, and it is only when the waitress returns with the tea and cups that he finally speaks

“This should buck you up” he says, smiling at her. Despite herself, and the turmoil she feels inside, she can’t help returning it in kind, happy as always just to be with him. 

As the waitress leaves, and he begins to pour the tea, his tone and face grow more serious. 

“Why did you go, without saying?” he asks, tone full of concern and a hint of reproach, “when I knew all along it was me.” 

“You know nothing of the sort” she replies, watching as his head snaps up at her response. 

She reaches for the pot before continuing ‘In fact, it was me.”

Shock enters Matthews eyes ‘What do you mean?” 

Pouring milk into her cup, she thinks of how best to put this, without seriously alarming him in the process. 

“There was something wrong with” here she pauses, not knowing how to bring up such a delicate subject in such a public place, even to him. “Actually, I can’t talk about this sort of thing, even to you.”

Matthew’s tone holds a hint of reproach as he replies to this. “You sound like Robert.”

“Well, I am his daughter” she retorts, inserting a little of her usual energy into her voice. “The fact is, it meant a small operation.” 

Now, Matthew looks really concerned, “What?” 

Quickly, seeing that she may have slightly miscalculated Mary moves to reassure him, even though she knows that expanding on it will lead to exposing the extent of her deceit ‘Oh it’s alright, it was weeks ago” she says, adding with a small smirk “that’s why I’ve been keeping you at arm’s length.”

At this, her husband sighs with relief, and replies in a way that she’s sure he intends to sound jovial, “I thought you’d gone off me”.

Mary gives him a small reassuring smile, before pressing on, knowing that her next revelation will make him far happier, “anyway, today was just to see if all is well, and he says it is. He’s said I’m to get in touch with him in six months’ time, but that I’ll be pregnant before then.”

Looking into Matthew’s eyes she sees the sheer joy this pronouncement brings, as if a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. 

Looking at her lovingly, he says “so now we can start making babies.”

She smiles at him, knowing how much they both want to start their family properly. 

Still, while they’re on the topic she dearly wants to ask him something that’s been bothering her since they first started talking of children, but that she hasn’t had the courage to voice until now.

“Matthew, what if I can’t have a boy? Mama didn’t after all. We can’t exactly go out and adopt the new heir.” 

Matthew smiles at her indulgently, and thinks for a moment, sipping his tea, before saying simply “Then we’ll break the entail. I know how to do it, and the mood in parliament is dramatically different than before the war. So many estates have gone under, we’d be able to make a compelling case.” 

For a minute, Mary is shocked. When his words have had time to register, she realises they shouldn’t come as a surprise. This, after all, is the man who had investigated how to break the entail in her favour, even though that would mean passing himself over.

“Truly Matthew, you’d do that for me? For our daughter?” 

He nods. “I would. I won’t have any daughter of mine going through the agony you did if it can be helped.” 

Mary feels her face grow pained despite her best efforts, remembering what it had been like growing up a girl, even a much loved one, at Downton. As she does she sees Matthew’s gaze soften, and finally dares to ask the question that’s been haunting her since before they married. Her Papa seems so certain that their marriage means the succession is secure, but she’s only too aware that this is an area in which there are no guarantees.

“What if even after… this” she says, gesturing down at herself “I can’t have children at all? What then.” 

Perhaps sensing how hard this was for her to bring up, Matthew reaches across the table and takes her hand in his, seemingly oblivious to the people surrounding them.

“Darling, if that happens then we’ll face it together. We both want a family, but if we can’t have it then we’ll manage. You’re quite enough for me, children or no children.” 

In this moment, she’s so glad for him that she can hardly contain herself, wishing fervently that she’d chosen to ask this question in a less public place. 

Carefully schooling her features, all she actually does in reply is squeeze his hand firmly, attempting to convey her gratitude and love through this one gesture. 

He smiles at her, seeming to understand.

He calls for the bill, and they stand to leave. As they do so, she can’t help but ask “am I forgiven? For going, without saying”, echoing his earlier words in an attempt to not sound too desperate for his answer. 

He sighs, and fixes her with eyes that are as blue as ever, but hold a hint of steel she doesn’t usually find there. 

“I don't like there being secrets between us Mary, you know that.” Here he pauses, and she sees his eyes soften “But you always have my forgiveness, should you feel you need it.”

Relief must show in her eyes, as his next words are playful “besides, I’m going to leave it to you to explain yourself to Edith and Rosamund, that’s quite penance enough I think.”

Hearing that, Mary groans quietly, she knows Edith will be insufferable. “Quite right. Facing a curious Edith is more than enough for anyone.” 

“Conveniently for you, she’s a little preoccupied just now. I’ll tell you all about it on the way there, but we had quite the time chasing after Rose last night. She makes Sybil seem tame!”

Mary smiles, remembering some of her baby sister’s wilder exploits and wondering what on earth Rose could have done to match them. “Then hopefully they’ll be so preoccupied with Rose that I’ll also seem tame by comparison.” she says, unable to dwell too much on her family’s reaction now that she knows all is well between her and her Matthew. 

He smiles down at her “Yes, I feel you may be in luck there, she underwent quite the transformation once we got here.” 

Mary smirks, and replies rather wickedly, “Well, it’s lucky I’m coming back with you then, Edith was about as wild as a maiden aunt at Rose's age, she wouldn’t know what to do.”

Used to her by now, she thinks, Matthew doesn’t comment on this, simply taking her arm and leading her down the street to a waiting taxi. Despite her lingering shame at the uncovering of her secret, she’s relieved to be back on an even keel with Matthew once more, no secrets between them. As it should be. She’s also reassured that whatever awaits them in the future, heir or no heir, they’ll face it together.


End file.
